Monday Grumpiness

I hate waking up and feeling fairly decent, then proceed to get all bent out of shape over the course of the morning. Noises are too loud, I can't figure out what I want to do next, I have no appetite but I eat anyway, the kids aren't listening, I feel overwhelmed by pretty much everything.

Do I do anything to manage my stress? Sure I do. I roll my ass out of bed at 5:30 and hoof it around my neighborhood for a half an hour. Does it help? Yes. But the "help" doesn't seem to last.

At least 50% of the time I feel as though I am wandering around in some sort of unfocused fog, unproductive (to my standards), and agitated. I don't get enough done, I don't get the things I want to get done *done*. Half the time I don't even know what I *want* to get done. It's maddening, and I hope it's a phase.

It's not a cliche that time goes by so quickly....it really does.

Noah Spencer Brandel 11-26-07

Christmas, 2007

November 20, 2010

Happy third birthday to my little man.

You are the gift I didn't know I wanted, the unexpected joy of a little boy in a house full of girls, and the snuggliest, most loving child. I love listening to your little voice, with it's /w/ for /r/ and /l/ substitutions, and I adore holding your little hand and feeling you wrap your arms around my neck. Sometimes your need for 'same' and for "I do it!" makes me a little crazy, but you definitely have your strong preferences and ideas. Happy birthday, Noah! Mommy loves you so much!

Thanksgiving 2010

Happy Thanksgiving from the Brandel Family!

Today, but also every day, I am thankful for the peace of home, the love of family, and the ability to make my way in the world the way I see fit. It's been ten years since I celebrated Thanksgiving Day *on* the actual fourth Thursday of November, but I wouldn't have it any other way now.

Since I spend time on the road on Thanksgiving every year, taking Kira to her dad's, we started the tradition of making a traditional turkey feast on the day before. Around here, the kids are usually out of school, and Travis often has or takes the day off. We cook and eat early in the day, then spend the rest of the time watching movies, playing outside and hanging out together. This year, Kira and I went to see a 7pm show of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One'.

The reason our Thanksgiving occurs on a Wednesday is because Kira must be at her dad's farm by 2pm on Thanksgiving Day. Because the farm is an hour and a half from here, and because we don't meet halfway, we leave the house at noon in order to be there on time. As you can probably imagine, leaving at noon, driving an hour and a half one way, then an hour and a half the other way takes up most of the prime turkey-eating time of the day. Rather than have a holiday in which my oldest child is not really a part of the feasting (unless we feast at 10:00 in the morning!) and our family's togetherness, we have opted to celebrate the day before. We ALL get to spend time together, then the next day she gets to celebrate with her dad's side of the family. I'm sure she is sick of turkey by the end of the holiday weekend, though.

We had a huge turkey, which we will be eating for the next week (which is ok, because I love turkey). There were plenty of side dishes too: sweet potatoes baked with apples and brown sugar, green bean casserole, ginger-glazed carrots, cornbread dressing....my mother in law's recipe for mac and cheese, which we lovingly call "heart-attack mac"....and no feast is complete without STC (Savory Toasted Cheese -- a cheese sauce) over broccoli.

Noah loves to help in the kitchen, particularly if it involves using the stove, or stirring anything that is on the stove. He's my little kitchen elf.
Daddy also taught him how to put beer in the fridge. In this case, a few bottles of Blue Moon Winter Abbey Ale.

And after we stuff ourselves silly, and get the table cleared, it's time for Mommy to play Fridge Tetris with the leftovers, which I am very good at. It all fits in the fridge when I am done. Strategic use of plastic containers and ziploc bags make it all possible.


After the recovery from dinner and the game of Fridge Tetris and the endurance of many, many plaintive little cries of "Is it time for pie!?", then it is time for pie. This year, it was three pies for the five of us, because I couldn't decide and I wanted to try a new pie recipe this year. Clockwise from left, Cranberry-Fudge Pie, Peanut Butter pie, and pumpkin pie. That cranberry pie was amazing. Very very rich, though...the bottom of the pie is a dark chocolate ganache, then a layer of walnuts, then a cranberry sauce. Oh. To die for. I'm contemplating having it for breakfast as we speak.

As predicted, not one of the kids wanted to try that pie. That's fine; more for me, then.
They did enjoy the other pies, though!
I hope that everyone reading this is having a terrific day and enjoying (rather than enduring) time at the table with family and friends and good food. Another year is coming to a close, and I am truly thankful for all the great gifts in my life, not the least of which are these three beautiful children that I have been blessed with, and a faithful, loving and generous husband who is an outstanding father to our brood. Among my other blessings this year have been a couple of independent trips and opportunities for learning, discovering new friendships, professional work I enjoy and colleagues I love to work with, a comfortable home, and everything I need for a happy life. Oh, and the rich blessing of re-discovering a deep and significant friendship. That means so much to me.

Thanks to all of you for everything, and blessings for all of you and your families!

Monday Musings

**I think my animals have taken over my house.

**For some reason, I am SO looking forward to Thanksgiving. I really, really want to cook and eat and relax with my family.

**And pie. I want pie.

**We eat our family Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday, so pie-making must commence tomorrow.

**I am in the midst of finishing a wholesale order. Got to get that done and delivered today.

**The Christmas shopping is going well.

**I have come to realize that no matter how much money we save, there will always be something that we will need it for, thus affecting the savings.

** I think the kids and I will be making these on Wednesday for the dinner table.

**Which reminds me...I need to acquire both a bottle of wine and a bottle of sparkling grape juice for the table.


**This little man is going to be THREE YEARS OLD on Friday. How did that happen?

**It's Soup Night in our house tonight. Even though we had beef stew last night, which apparently my husband considers soup. Hm.

**It's still Soup Night tonight.

**Better get the soup on.

On Thinking About Yourself

The past few weeks have been very introspective. I can't say exactly what I've been spending brain power on, because it's kind of nebulous. or I haven't really specifically focused on anything in particular.

Lately, it's been as though my nervous system has migrated to the outside of my skin. I noticed this weekend, when we were in NC for a family gathering, that noise and commotion and chaos has really been bothering me a great deal. Kind of like my balance is upset by too much of anything.

I do know that over the past few years, I have become increasingly in need of honest to goodness quiet time. In the morning. By myself. If I don't get it, I feel agitated and discombobulated all day. In my household, the day typically starts full-speed once Wren and Noah get up, which is usually around 7:00. I've taken to getting up at 5:30 and going for a walk for a half an hour. It helps, but sometimes it's really hard to get out of bed that early.

Walking is like a meditation for me. I don't know what about it that works, because I don't ever think in a logical fashion about anything that goes through my head. The cold, and the dark, and the dawn stars do provide the perfect setting for sorting through junk inside my head. It's kind of like what I do every few years when I can't take the mass of junk that ends up right around the stairs to the attic. I get frustrated when I can't find the Christmas decorations, and I go in there and pull stuff out and move stuff around and reorganize boxes and make a huge donation pile for Goodwill. I get rid of stuff, and pack other stuff away and shift it to the far recesses of the attic -- in case I need it or want it again -- so I know that it's there, but not in my way.

Yep. My head is full of stuff -- not all of it junk -- so I have to go in and rearrange it periodically, so I can reach what I need to have, and stash away stuff that is old, but not ready to be completely discarded yet.

Today's walk was particularly good. It was cold, because the sky was absolutely clear, but the stars were so beautiful and bright in the lightening sky.

It doesn't matter what I thought about -- a lot of things, I assure you -- but now, almost four hours later, I am really awake, and feel pretty settled. It's a good way to start the day.

A new haircut
...and red shoes with stripey socks.....
....makes things better.

That, and a chocolate mocha cupcake for lunch. Better.

The dark clouds gather and swirl in an angry sky. Beneath it all, the sea is roiling. Deep blue water turns black and malevolent, rocking and pitching as though disturbed from someplace far beneath the surface. The daylight has not gone, but the sky turns so dark it is impossible to judge the time. On a lone outcropping, waves smash against rocks with a fury unparalleled by anything on Earth. The water and the wind conspire in destructive rage that borders on delirium, as the natural forces called up by this madness threaten to overwhelm any and all within reach.

Including me.

Drowning, I reach for the place of peace, stretch my fingers toward it, and grasp desperately for the shore. I fight, I struggle, I release all the energy that holds me captive and dump myself unceremoniously on its mercy. Long surges capture me in their grasp and drag me back, back, back into the depths of this storm, but I will not be taken. Not this time.

The wind dies, the current lessens, the waves recede. I lay gasping like a landed fish and stare into the lightening sky, and I breathe.