Necessity

When I was younger, it was all about the dancing. I would not survive without the ability to dance, would not live fully without the music in my head and the daily grind of classes and rehearsals. I never, ever in a million years thought the necessity of -- or the ability for -- dancing would fall away from me. I realize that the need has transmuted itself into something else....it wasn't *just* about dancing, although since that was what I did, so intensely, that is what I needed.

What it really was about was the need to create.

Now I work with my hands, and not so much with my entire body. There's really almost nothing I haven't tried in the realm of creative activity, and there are some things that speak to me more than anything else. Working with fabric is precise, tactile, colorful, and I can turn a two-dimensional piece of cloth into something that has shape and definition.

With metals and enamels, I revel in the physical aspects of the work -- pounding, sawing, cutting -- and getting my hands dirty.

And hot glass....it is mesmerizing and mystical and dangerous, and I find my mental focus is sharper when I do this work than at any other time. Probably because the possibility of setting myself on fire is real.

I write. I bake. I've recently started carving my own print blocks and rubber stamps.I'm an occasional knitter. Some days, the creative work absolutely pours out of me, like water pouring out of a broken dam, but other days, I am too quiet. I haven't found the balance point.

But I know what I need....and this is it.... I need to make things. I need to think about how to get from point A to point Q. I need to take the raw materials and turn them into something that has never been seen before. I need to synthesize everything that I know and then create something new.

Sometimes, I just need to play with the raw materials until something happens. Sometimes nothing happens. And sometimes the unexpected happens.

I never realize how far from myself I have gotten, when in the chaos and business of Daily Life, I gradually cease to fill the small spaces with creative action. Then one day I feel it, like a lead weight in my soul, and I don;t know who I am anymore, and I can't figure out what I love or want or see in front of me, and I find myself reaching for a scrap of fabric, or searching the files (or the internet) for ideas....and then I just go and do it. And I'm off to the races, then, because after so long away, the ideas tumble over each other, and suddenly, my hands find their rhythm, and one project after another, one idea after another, gets started, worked on, finished.

And I am myself again.

Random Monday Musings

The dogs' water dish on the deck this morning.
I'm glad it's not a 50 gallon livestock tank.

I don't know if it's just the point in the winter where I am tired of the same old routine, or if there is something to this funk, but I feel a little like a hamster on the wheel, endlessly turning and going nowhere. Everything feels stagnant and unproductive, a constant effort of management, rearranging, scheduling with no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is not the cold weather, because I do like the cold, and there have been quite a few days of brilliant sunshine and clear, impossibly blue skies. There's plenty to look forward to, but managing the myriad details of life feels like too much of a task to even contemplate sometimes. Restlessness is definitely a component.

And so, in that vein, some random (and some not-so-random) thoughts:

• Valentine's Day was a fun, low-key holiday. Candy for the kids, heart-shaped pepperoni in the baked pasta dinner, brownies for dessert. Flowers from the best husband ever. 

• My dad has been visiting, and since he has sold his house in Miami, his living room furniture is now mine. Yay for couches that do not hold pet hair! He also brought some things I forgot he    had, like this 50's vintage milkshake mixer we used to use when I was a kid (and it was 30 years old even then!). I love how the stainless steel mixing cup can fit on the mixer and stay there:

• I have been working on the Paper Horse (but now Fabric Horse) Project a little bit. The idea is firmly in my head, but the execution has not happened the way I want it to, yet. This is muslin, gesso, acrylics, and cotton quilt batting. I'm not in love with how heavy the legs are, but this is a pony, so I can stand a little extra heft in a pony. I guess. 

• I really wish I was a better painter.
• I get to go to a party Tuesday night for staff and volunteers at the museum to celebrate the Chihuly exhibition (it broke attendance records)! 
• The season finale of 'Downton Abbey' sucked and I hated it. I might not be watching it when the next season rolls around. 
• Winter light is very blue. And very difficult to mitigate in photo editing.
• I'm back to thinking I am going to do that horse trials in March. Yikes.
• It's been two weeks since my last run. I'm bored with running, I think. Not sure what else I would do, though, and I'm too old and too arthritic to skip exercising altogether, otherwise I'll be fat and in pain all the time.
• Motivation is lacking, however.
• I think I'm just bored with a lot of stuff. Not sure what to do with myself.

Kids are home from school for Presidents' Day. They are playing the Wii, and I am going to try to do some work. I think movies, making some homemade soft pretzels, and maybe a trip out to go ice skating might be in the works. 

A reminder, and art projects

I was having the kind of morning that made me wonder if I will ever have a clean, organized house and nice things. And then I wonder if I'd be willing to give up any of the best parts of living my life in order to make that happen.

In order for my house to meet the fantasy standard in my head-- organized, completely decorated, everything in its place -- I would have to have a serious daily cleaning and picking up routine. Not to mention about 1200 more square feet of space to keep all of the stuff that doesn't get put away because there is no place to put it. It's not going to happen, not until we move to another house. I'd have to give up working at the museum, making art regularly (or at least limit myself to one art form -- the horror!), riding weekly and spending any significant time at the barn. No. Way.

 A couple of years ago, I got sucked into reading some 'Mommyblogs', most of whom I came to realize were written by stay-at-home Mormon moms who apparently live vicariously through their children. Impeccable homes, homeschooled children (four, five, even six or more kids!), homemade meals, all of that. At least, the ones *I* was reading were like that. Not *all* SAHM blogs are like that, to be sure.

It's enough to drive someone crazy, though, what with all the perfect.

But you know, I've given up on most of that kind of perfection, and my life is made so much easier. Happier, too. It's amazing how much better you can feel when you stop worrying about whether you measure up as a parent/spouse/friend/whomever, and just be happy with what you have and who you are. Anyway, sometimes I need to remind myself that I don't need to be better than I am at any of this. Sometimes life feels so overwhelming, and some days I can't believe the level of responsibility I signed on for, but I can handle it, and I do it well enough. My kids love me, my marriage is rock-solid and fantastic, we have everything we really need, and we are a pretty darn fun and interesting family who place a high value on creativity, geekery, history, and the arts. It's like living in an artist's colony 24/7/365.

I'll keep it.

*****************************************************

On the subject of art, I have been working on a few new ideas.

The Paper Horse Project was born out of a desire to find stencils of horses to use in other projects. I can't draw a decent horse to save my life, and I haven't yet developed "my own" drawing of a horse that I like, so I use stencils made from other images. Anyway, I spent most of yesterday afternoon cutting out paper horses while my kids played with homemade silly putty.

Liquid starch and white glue makes a goopy, sticky putty that is fun for all ages! It's even fun to make silly mustaches with!

My nutty children played with this stuff for hours yesterday. It was really fun to watch, and I was glad to see Kira get away from her Xbox even for a little while and hang out with her brother and sister.

I finished cutting out all the cardboard and paper horses, but then I got An Idea, and I have taken off on that for the time being. It involves the horses, but in fabric. I'll post about it when I get the New Idea to a place where it looks like something.

Making stuff

Let's start this blog post with a gratuitous picture of Champ:

I love the PicMonkey photo editor. It makes my pictures look like I know what I am doing when I take them. Travis is taking a photography class this semester, so maybe between the two of us, our family snapshots will be significantly better.

In other news, poor Kira is suffering through the loss of her wonderful canine companion that her father owned. Bear was unfortunately hit by a car and killed last Saturday. She is struggling with this loss, and we are doing our best to help her process her grief. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we willingly choose to accept companion animals into our hearts and lives, knowing their own lives are much shorter than ours. I hope for her for an easy path through her pain.

Since Kira got me started with needle felting, I have been thinking about what else I can turn my hands to and make. The creative juices are flowing, but I am having a hard time getting projects moving. I did get started on a mixed-media box project that I have a cool box for and an unfinished idea about:

I've gotten to the gesso stage, but that's as far as I've gone at this point. Of course, since my sewing/craft/art/project space looks like this, it's tough to get moving and stay creatively engaged.

Way back in October, we honestly thought the farm of our dreams was within our grasp. So much so that I started to consider the state of our current house and getting it ready for the market. that meant tidying up all of the interior spaces. THAT meant the only solution I could see was to pack up most of my art and sewing supplies. They were stuffed into a too-small space to begin with -- the office of our house -- because the fourth bedroom became Noah's back in 2007.

We have so completely outgrown this house. Or at least, I have. I need a room of my own, and so does Travis.





Anyway, the result of all this upswing in creative activity is this scene on my nightstand.

I usually have a ton of books there, but yesterday the kids and I went to the library, and I came home with books on bookbinding, in addition to two more Rita Mae Brown foxhunt mysteries. I think I want to try some bookbinding, particularly Coptic stitched bindings, and investigate some other medieval and earlier period books. It's all so fascinating to me, and as usual, I want to try some of everything!

I did finally make the earring holder for my room. It was simple, since I already had the empty frame in my garage attic. Some screen material, a staple gun, and one of those 3M Command adhesive hooks ( I LOVE those things!), and there ya go. Good thing, too. I have a ton of earrings and no good way to keep track of them.

I have nothing good to keep my art jewelry necklaces in or on, so I opted for more Command hooks. I hate for the work I've made to languish in a drawer, where I can't see it to wear it. Usually, I'm wearing this necklace, though, a Christmas gift from my husband. I've always loved the horse triskele, and this design matches my tattoo AND my new mug!

One beautiful horse for each beautiful child in my family. Like a Celtic equestrian mother's necklace. 

Anyway, I think I am going to try to make some more progress on that box project I started. Not sure exactly where it is going yet, but hopefully I will know when I've gotten 'there'.

Happy Wednesday!

Art = Happy

This is what's making my heart and soul happy this morning....watercolors and crayon resist at the art table in the living room.

Of course, about half an hour after this, they were running through the house, and Noah smacked his head on the corner of our granite kitchen island top and raised a scary welt on his forehead (he's fine).

Sigh.

But there was an hour or so of early-morning art and peace and creating, and that was bliss.

This Is Halloween!

At the Brandel residence, much fun was had on Halloween!

The weekend's festivities started on Saturday, at a costume party for a friend's 50th birthday. I even played croquet!

We need a nice wooden croquet set for our yard now. Fun!

On Sunday, we spent the morning shopping for a new kitchen island, since the decrepit old kitchen table and chairs that has lived in many, many houses, and has gone through at least two divorces finally gave up. As a side note, it looks like the new island will be RED with a grey granite top, because that is what I fell in love with at the store.

We carved pumpkins, of course.


Kira always has to make her pumpkin a technical and artistic magnum opus, but it always turns out really well, even when I have to help. :)

We had the traditional "creepy supper", which this year, consisted of mummified hot dogs and mac and cheese.
Oh, and carrots and dip, to provide at least some semblance of nutrition.

This year, we had guests! Bryce brought over Gracie (they were an adorable Batman and Robin), and Moe brought his boys, Trip and Chris, both of whom were very energetic but not silent ninjas! We made quite the exuberant party heading out the door!

We had walked about a block before the littlest ones started to really flag and get left behind, so a quick stop at our house for the wagon, I mean, Batmobile, was in order.
And then we successfully managed an epic night of trick or treating with all the kids. Much fun was had, and many many pieces of candy were obtained (and consumed by Wren en route!). It was after 8:30 by the time we all made it back to the house.

Fortunately, nobody felt compelled to egg or toilet paper our house, but some low-rent bastard stole our candy bowl for the second year in a row. It really made me angry, and I think I know which group of un-costumed teenagers did it, but what can you do? It was a $3 bowl from Wal Mart or something, and not worth getting too upset about. Next year, if we leave candy out, I'm going to pile it on the front step of the house and leave it at that. At least they didn't take the pumpkins.

Hehe. Maybe I should leave a big pile of candy shellacked to the front step next year.

Anyway, after quick baths and too much sugar, the kids collapsed in bed. I'm instituting a candy rationing system this year to hopefully head off the overconsumption.

Today is November 1st already, and since our kids get two days off from school for election day, I think we will be taking down the Halloween stuff, and maybe trying to get out for a short hike in the woods before the weather starts getting crummy.

Hope everyone had a terrific Halloween!

Travelin' On

I've been anticipating today for at least a couple of months. Today I am heading up to Northern VA, to attend my very first art retreat. It's ArtBliss, run by two extremely talented ladies, Cindy Wimmer and Jeanette Blix Ryan. I'm taking a class tomorrow on metalsmithing and enameling -- in particular, how to make enameled copper beads out of sheet copper and some hand tools. Neat, huh? I can't wait. Among other exciting things happening this weekend is my ability to FINALLY meet a friend and fellow jewelry/glass artist, Kerry Bogert, whose work I have admired for years. I am thrilled beyond measure that things finally fell into place for us to be in the same location!

Originally I had planned to drive up to the workshop on Saturday morning. It would make for a long day, but the budget is tight, and I didn't think I wanted to stay overnight someplace that is only 2 hours from my house. Really. BUT, I was persuaded to spring for the hotel room and stay overnight so I could attend the reception for the instructors and participants that is being held tonight. I am glad now that I decided to do that, although today has been an interesting day inside my head.

I haven't traveled much over the last 3 or 4 years for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is money, and my very young children. I think the last time I went anywhere was sometime after Wren was born and I attended an out of town SCA event with some friends, or took my daughter's Girl Scout troop camping.

I've never spent the night away from Noah.

Now, lest you think I'm about to get all mushy over going out of town for about 36 hours, I will tell you that THAT is not what causes all the mulling over and contemplation. Traveling -- the act of planning even a short, small trip -- seems like such an *adult* thing to do. Making hotel reservations, deciding what to pack, getting in the car and actually going to the destination....these all seem like such grown-up tasks. Never mind that I *am* a grown-up, and I do terribly adult things all day every day -- raise kids, work professionally, cook dinner, organize, clean, be responsible. It's different somehow.

I never was in a position, with the career I chose, to travel professionally on business trips. Maybe that's why it seems so grown-up to me. REAL adults go away on business. I have plenty of friends who probably detest the whole airport/hotel/meals out/business meetings routine by now, but I have never experienced it. Leaving this afternoon seems like a big deal. I know *how* to travel, and I know how to take care of myself alone and out in the world, so to speak, but I have never had to do it repeatedly, nor manage my family AND do it, like my IT and statistician and sales friends do. It's this sort of thing that has been running around in my brain all day.

I feel like a grown-up today. In addition to getting my act together for this trip, I also made hotel reservations for a much longer, much more distant trip for next month. I'll be joined by a friend of mine for a fun few days to glass-geek in Corning, NY. That's going to be a fun trip, too, and one I am so looking forward to.

I feel like I am about to press a giant 'reset' button on my life. I know that when I come home from these two trips, I will be refreshed, in mind and in soul. I know that I will have new skills and new knowledge that is going to help me advance the art I make, and maybe, just maaaaybe, help me get turned in the direction my soul really wants me to go in. It's been so hard to be still and listen to what I am sure the universe is probably shouting at me by now.

My family will be in the extremely capable hands of my ever-loving and wonderful husband, and I have no worries about him managing our brood, our house and home, and whatever else comes up, while I am not here. It's all good.

My 'soupcase' (as Noah so beautifully calls it) is packed and in the car. I packed more than I will need for an overnight trip, and this is because even though I *am* an adult, I barely know how to dress myself. I am so far from girly most of the time that I realize I don't even know what to do to cover up the deep, dark circles under my eyes. I never wear makeup, unless I am going someplace really dressed up, and I don't have any sort of skin-care routine or knowledge of particular fashion trends. It figures. I get the chance to go someplace by myself and dress up a little (sort of, I mean, we are going to be making art), and I don't know what to do! Heh. I'll survive. And at least people tell me I in no way appear my actual age (which is 40, for those playing along at home), so there's a bonus. I just hope I look my best. I want to look my best, even though I will be among friends and have absolutely no agenda and no need or desire to impress anyone.

I will be me, and that will not only be enough, but will be perfectly enough. In twenty minutes, my oldest child gets off the middle-school bus, and I am. On. The. Road.

Travelin' ON!