Six Months

I've been at my new job for six months tomorrow. It's been a pretty good experience overall, and I think I have mostly moved beyond the intense perfectionistic stress of the first few post-training months into a place where I know what I'm doing more often than not. I've changed direct supervisors and that person seems much more on my wavelength as far as learning and working styles go, so that helps. Learning software that is NOT intuitive in the *least* is still my hardest task, and I think I'm improving my decision-making skills. I don't require constant review of everything I write anymore, and I've been 'released' to send reviews to doctors without sending to my direct supervisor first. And the Virginia Disability Determination Services as a whole won a national award, so we all got 4 hours of extra leave. Sometimes state jobs are nice.

The things I still don't love are being indoors all. day. long. Sitting for hours. Getting completely sucked into the detail-oriented work and realized three hours have gone by without me leaving my chair. The regular 8 hour day schedule. Making less money than I did previously. Not being in a management position for the first time in ten or more years.

I realized this week that I actually have less money now than when I was working last year. I didn't have to pay for child care last year. I didn't have a new car. I didn't go out for lunch because I was too much of a slacker to make my lunch the night before. And I was, even at my hourly rate, actually making a higher salary. Now it feels like most things are a squeeze. I should get a raise in September, and another one a year later, though. And some expenses, like child care, should fall off next year, along with one of the car payments.

It was, and has been, really tough to give up my working-from-home/stay-at-home-mom gig. Economic necessity (and by that I mean, maintaining the lifestyle we had) required it. I'm not 'brave' or particularly noteworthy for doing it, though. It was just a fact of circumstances, and I would rather struggle personally with my changed circumstances than struggle to provide activities and experiences for the kids, and riding and horses for myself and Wren.

I'm off today, and so I have had the ability to put a kid on the bus, make pizza dough from scratch for tonight's dinner, take care of some details for an upcoming horse show I am the volunteer coordinator for, and, yes, get out to the barn and get a ride in. Then I will make homemade pizza for dinner, and head to the museum to give a tour this evening. If I feel really ambitious, I'll vacuum the floors, maybe. It's nice to get a break in the week, but I will be back at work tomorrow. I'm just glad the time change is this weekend so heading to ride after work doesn't mean an intense race against the sun.

Friday

Friday, the end of a busy week, and the start of a busy weekend.

I haven't run at all this week, partially because I rode twice, partially because I had a hard time finding time to get it done, and partially because I have been thinking about a well-regarded therapist and department head in our company who ran a half marathon on Sunday, and passed away Monday evening after suffering a major heart attack at the end of the race.

She left her husband and two small children behind. I did not know her well, as she worked in a building a couple of hours from here, and we mostly interacted (when we did) by email. I've read lots of her therapy documentation, though, and she was a good physical therapist. I'm so sorry for her family; I have heard she was an avid runner, trained for this event, and had run track in high school. So it wasn't like she just up and decided to "go the distance", so to speak; she knew what she was doing, as well as any of us who take on a project like that and train on our own. She was younger than me, not even forty. I can't stop thinking about her and the end of her race, which finished, more than likely, with a cluster of emergency personnel frantically trying to restart her heart and get the blood moving to her brain again.

I know all the platitudes that apply here...."you never know when it's your time"....."at least she died doing something she enjoyed"....."there was nothing that could have been done differently"....."sometimes these things just happen"....

None of that is particularly comforting. I don't love to run. I don't want to die doing that. I don't want to die in some horse-related accident, either, even though I do LOVE riding. So I am reconsidering the running these days, particularly in light of the fact that I have been struggling with running in general lately -- pain, fatigue, difficulty getting into a comfortable pace. I have not ever had real trouble breathing, or felt bad in a cardiopulmonary way, while running, but it's the unknown that gets me. What if? What if there is something about me that could be a factor, and I don't know it? I'm sure I'd be fine, but I'm not sure enough to risk it.

And yes, I do know, and realize, that risk is a part of a life well-lived. I voluntarily sit on the backs of 1000+ pound animals and ask them to do things that *I* say they need to do.

And there is another thing....what kind of god loves his people so much that he would deprive some of them of one of them THEY love so much? Come on, my fervent believers, explain this one. And do it without giving me the "God needed her in Heaven more", or "Her time on this earth was done". That's crap. Her time was not done, she had a family to raise and a husband to love, and who loved her, for years to come. Her friends, her colleagues, her extended family....they were not done with her life. Why was she? Is it simply that her biological life was over, as short as it was? Or do we explain this by saying there was a higher purpose of some kind? I'm not buying it. How can that be? Going 'home' to her "reward"? I cannot imagine a greater reward than being able to stay with her family, see her kids grow up, play sports, take Prom pictures, go to graduations, weddings, maybe have grandchildren someday.

The whole thing just sucks. And I have to review some of her therapy documentation today, so I can write an appeal letter for a case she worked on, and I don't want to. But I'm going to, it's my job. Wish she was still working at hers.

Monday

Good morning.

Start of the week, quiet in the house, and I should be working, but instead I am thoroughly basking in the silence. And the distinct possibility of finishing my cup of hot coffee while it's still warm.

That almost never happens.

Travis is still in NC with his mom, who is having back surgery today (get well, soon, Joan!). I'm already doing the juggling for the next couple of days to get everyone where they need to be, and meet the obligations I need to meet. Can't wait til he gets home. Everything is better when he's here.

One of my big things to do this fall was a research project for the docent group I am a part of at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. I've been a docent there for about a year and a half, not counting the year I spent in training there, and I have grown to love deeply the teaching, research, and learning I have been doing in order to give tours of the permanent art collection. For this project, I researched a German Gothic altarpiece and today and this evening, I presented the results of my research in a talk for the docents.

Teaching has always been something I have enjoyed, but it has been especially gratifying to teach in the context of a museum -- at a time when arts and humanities are marginalized in favor of more objectively-evaluated subjects. I'm on a mission to get people into the museums and see what's there, and see how it relates to their lives and the world around them.

I love research. I love to look things up, find out information I didn't know, and then relate that to other thins I *do* know, and put it all together into something coherent. I think as much as I love to write, I maybe love the research more. Funny, I never used to enjoy it at all, but now, I see it as a fascinating process.

And I am a maker, a creator of things, and ideas, and objects. I am in my element when I am manipulating fabric, or hot glass, or metals into the visions I see in my head, creating objects of adornment, or clothing, or visual expressions of inner thoughts. I need to make things, like I need water and air.

Teaching, learning, research, and creating. All the most essential aspects of what makes me feel whole and human.

How can I turn this into my life's work?

August

The summer will be over in less than two weeks, and the kids will be back to school and the Brandel household will resume its typical nine-months-out-of-the-year schedule.

This part of the year causes me much angst, sometimes, as I want the summers to be full of fun experiences and relaxing good times for our family, but most of the time, I feel like I fall short. I work at home/from home, and I have been very, very busy for several months. This did not abate into the summer months, and try as I did to lighten the work schedule, it just wasn't happening.

We spent a lot of time near computers, but we also visited the library often. We watched movies, but we also went to the pool several times a week (unless it was raining!).

I taught Wren to ride a two-wheeler recently, so we rode bikes, but not as much as we could have. We didn't travel, really. There was quite a lot of running back and forth to the office, but also quite a lot of running back and forth to the barn. I much preferred the barn running.

Wren AND Noah both rode in horse shows, and we did get to the drive-in at least once this season.

Kira has had a few happy weekends home, this last just so full of bubbly teenager life that I hated for her to leave. She's at the beach in Maryland now, hopefully enjoying time on the beach with her cousin and riding her bike all over the place.

I thought, this afternoon when we went to the pool for a little while, that it actually has been a pretty good summer. Yes, my work was relentless and took up way more time than I wanted it to, and no, we didn't travel or do a whole lot of big-deal things, but we spent time with friends, relaxed as much as possible, and did have fun! That's really what it's about, anyway.

And thanks to my mom, Travis and I got to run away to the mountains for two nights and go camping and canoe eleven miles down a section of the Shenandoah River. That was fantastic (and worth an entirely separate blog post).

I'm really looking forward to the kids starting back to school -- this is my first year where they all are in public school -- but the summer has been fun and pretty much what a summer should be like.

I do need some solitude and quiet, though. And the ability to work without constantly being interrupted. Soon.

Tidbits

Some days, I just wish I had my own horse so bad, I can't stand it.

I feel like I've waiting long enough -- isn't fourteen years, several job changes, a divorce and remarriage, moving to a new city, two more kids, and salary increases enough? Patience is not a virtue that I have in this situation. I'm worried I will be fiftysomething before my horse comes into my life for real.

Maybe I will be. Not that there's anything wrong with being fiftysomething, no more than there is anything wrong with being fortysomething.

Still.

"Someday" seems a long way away, still.


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Next week, for a couple of days, Travis and I are going on our first solo overnight trip in eight years. We are going camping up in Page County, near Luray. We've been to this outfitters' place before and loved it, so we are going again. We're planning on spending a day canoeing the Shenandoah River, tent camping for two nights, and even going to Luray Caverns. I am so looking forward to it, I can hardly wait. I don't even care if it rains, to be honest. A fire in the firebowl each night, peace and quiet, hopefully a full night's sleep, stargazing, spending time out on the river, and getting to do stuff WE want to do....it's going to be heaven, even if it rains (which the forecast says it isn't going to).

We even got a new tent (which leaks at the seams, but that's what seam sealant is for).

I've got to dig out all our old camping gear -- the Coleman stove, the coffee pot, lanterns, things we haven't used or needed since 2004. It's going to be so much fun! And oh boy, do we need this trip. Thanks so much to my awesome Mom, who is coming down to ringmaster this circus for a little while for us.

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In other news, my super-wonderful boss is leaving the company. I am supremely sad, and kind of worried what 'work' is going to look like after he's gone. Oh, I'll say all the positive stuff -- "It's gonna be FINE!", "Not much will change!", "There's nothing to worry about!" -- but I am still wary. And slightly cynical. But I'm adopting a wait-and-see attitude, and plan to just keep doing my thing and hope for the best.

And now, a gratuitous horse picture.

Indecisive

I'm having one of those days where everything seems fraught with issues, and those Really Good Ideas I thought really were good ones are starting to look less and less so.

Sometimes I listen to my analytical mind too much -- you know, the mind that says "It's too expensive, it's a waste of time, it's pointless, you'll wish you hadn't done that, it's going to put you in a bad spot later..."

Yeah, that one. If only I had listened to that mind back in, oh, 1994-95.

But I digress.

I've been kicking around the idea of going back to school for a long time, now. Several years, in fact. I thought, back when I was doing more clinical speech pathology, I would go get my Ph.D. in Health Related Sciences, and I wanted to study dementia and end of life choices related to tube-feeding (and the ethics thereof). I was not admitted to the program, unfortunately. Then, when I started my work at the museum, I thought I would go back and study art history and focus on the history of glasswork and glassmaking, something I have always loved and been interested in.

But an ugly problem reared it's head. The potential for having to write a thesis. Dun-dun-dunnnnn.

I have this problem occasionally, when faced with Really Interesting Stuff:

As you can imagine, that's difficult to deal with when faced with having to focus for a LONG TIME on a particular teeny-tiny aspect of a larger subject. I don't know if I can do it. My favorite thing about doing a research project and writing a paper, though, is....doing the research! I love to look for stuff and find new sources and read them, and have that lead to more new stuff, over and over....
Plus, I work in management of information for my day job, which also includes research and writing in the health care field.

So, I thought, maybe I should give some consideration to something my mom said I should do, years ago.

Go to library school and get an MLS.

I've been kicking this idea around for a year or more, doing some research into available online grad programs, and figuring out where I could get the biggest bang for the buck, and trying to figure out what I want to specialize in. I don't exactly know where I'd like to end up...ideally, I think working in archives would be the most interesting, or in a university library or medical library, but it's all up in the air, since I don't even feel like I have a complete grasp on all the possibilities contained within having a degree in library science.

So I am considering three particular programs, and figuring out how to afford it, and which specialization(s) to take...and then I see this, online. The Best and Worst Master's Degrees for Jobs in Forbes magazine. And guess what is listed at the top worst Master's degree? You got it. Library Science.

I also found this infographic. Although I can't put much faith in an infographic that can't get basic grammar usage correct, it was both heartening and disheartening to read:

A Librarian's Worth

So, nothing like making things more indecisive for me. I guess I'll kick this idea around a little longer, while I try to decide 1.) if it's worth it, and 2.) what I really want to do.

In the meantime, I will keep at the day job, and ride horses. The other Really Good Idea that maybe isn't is for another blog post. This one's already too long!

Pondering

So, things with Champ haven't been going well, and I have given him a vacation from our partnership. It's been two weeks, and I rode Landie and Promise in my lessons during the time off. I think this week, though, is when I am going to get back together with Champ and see what we can do. I'm planning to do some bareback riding, maybe round-pen or lunge him, and take him out to graze where the good grass is. We'll see how things go. I am adjusting my expectations downward for both Champ and for advancing my riding skills this summer. I think I'll work on my horsemanship, stable management, and helping Wren with Gabby instead, because I want to, and because...well...I don't really have a choice. We haven't won the lottery yet, so no farm of our own, and so I can only do so much in terms of horse-having.

My trainer gave me an option to lease Promise instead, but that would be more money than we are paying for Champ right now, and Promise is so very green. She really needs the work I am sure I could put into her, but I can't afford half the board and farrier PLUS Wren's pony.

I would love to figure out a way to own this place, which just happens to be right next door to our trainer's barn. It's about twice our budget, though, so no chance of that happening, unless we won the lottery or had some wealthy benefactor. My trainer says it would be fantastic to make a cross country course through the woods there, linking with her property's course. I agree.

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Today's barn trip was so much fun!
Turkey got a bath and a haircut, and so much love. I think he was happy. I know Travis was happy, and I can't tell you how full my heart is for the man I adore who, just one year ago, was afraid of horses and would have nothing hands-on to do with them. Now, he brings in horses from the field, can tack and groom, bathe, pick feet, and hand-graze them. I am so proud!

Poor Turkey is SO HOT with all that mane and forelock. It's awful. He lives outside 24/7, so making him as comfortable as possible is a good idea. I shaved his face a little, and then started working on roaching his mane, which has nothing to do with nasty insects and everything to do with a good haircut. He has so much hair, I couldn't get it all done in the time we had today, so I will finish up this week and post a picture of the results. After his bath, he just gleamed! He seemed so happy and comfortable! I sprayed him all over with some fly spray, put some fly repellent cream in his ears, and we took him back out to his pasture. He is beautiful.

It really makes me sad that his owners don't come to visit him, or ride him, anymore. I wish we could have him. If we had a farm and didn't have to pay board, we'd take him in a hot minute. Still, it makes me happy that we care for him as we can.

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I haven't run for 18 days. I couldn't stand reading the posts from my friends who are all out there exercising and running....the competitive me couldn't take it anymore, and since resting my going-numb-when-I-run feet wasn't doing anything, I took off for two miles this morning. I always know when I haven't been exercising regularly -- I get a little out of breath climbing stairs, I can't hang on to the canter as long on my horse -- but when I haven't been running, WELL...I can tell. I can tell because when I get out there, the fat on my middle-aged ass jiggles and bounces along behind me like ill-fitting saddlebags.

THAT is NOT acceptable. Nor is it attractive. I'm only willing to give in to being middle-aged but so much at this point.

So, I'm back at it, at least until I am told otherwise. Going to keep the daily mileage low -- 2 to 3 miles, max -- until my orthopedist appointment in a few weeks. Then we'll see what I have to work with.

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Work is eating my soul, and also all the extra time and energy I have to be creative. It sucks, but it's enabling the horse stuff, so it's a catch-22. I haven't been able to make anything of substance in a very long time, and I believe my Muse is about to throw one epic tantrum. I also don't think it's possible to work fewer hours and get the work done on time, so I am stuck. The summer is going to be very, very tricky in terms of getting the volume of work done in the time that I have, given the kids will be home with me most of the time. I see quite a lot of evenings spent in my cubicle at the office, with the cleaning folks. Ugh.

I can't really complain, though. I have a good job, and I think I work for someone who values my work, although it's hard to tell at times.

At any rate, there's a thunderstorm tonight, which means I am putting Wren back to bed over and over until she finally decides to fall asleep. I think I've convinced her to stay in her room, though, so I'm going to grab myself some porch time before it gets too late.

Soul-Filling Work

Doesn't everyone wish for a job that fills their soul? I mean, really, if you HAVE TO work, don't you want it to be something that not only makes you happy, but makes you feel dedicated to it, and to life?

I know I do.

I always wanted to be the person who loved their work so much, they couldn't wait to get there in the morning, and didn't want to leave in the evening. Maybe the fact that that never happened to me, even when I was working in a clinic or school, should have been an indication all those years ago, but I missed the signals. Even after undergrad, and looking through a university catalog (no internet back then), perusing the course offerings in such programs as Interior Design and History, I didn't take my side interests as being representative of something I should *actually* pursue.

But now I'm older and much wiser (one would hope). I have grown into a woman of many talents (ha!), and people ask me all the time how I have the time to do everything. Little do they know, (until I say it) that I don't have time for everything. I don't DO all the things I am good at, or love to do, all in one day or one week, or even one month. It's been a couple weeks since I lit my glass torch, and I haven't done as much sewing as I like to, but I managed a little bit of painting, and some needlefelting. It's been too damn cold to work metal in the freezing garage, or do any enameling.

But that's okay, because I have been riding weekly, and working at my day job a lot (to pay for the riding, natch!). I've also been seriously in love with my work at the museum, and THAT is where my soul is filled. Providing tours and information and stories about the wonderful art and artists who are part of the permanent collection at the VMFA. It's a job I never thought I'd do, and one that surprises me with just how much I love it. I love to teach, and while I know I would make a terrible high school teacher, I'm a really good storyteller and tour guide. Last night, we had a training session on making the  artworks accessible to those with low vision and blindness. It was incredibly fascinating, and the fact that the presenter talked about some linguistic theory in discussing congenitally blind people and their cognitive-linguistic concepts for things they have never seen, was amazing. Really wonderful stuff, and now I am all excited about doing tours for "special populations", including those folks with Alzheimer's and other dementia-related conditions.

I've got several really fun and interesting tours coming up, too -- a tour focusing on writing skills this Thursday (fourth graders), and one next week focusing on Greek art and The Odyssey (I need to re-read that), and then one in April on symbolism in Medieval/Renaissance/Baroque art (graduate students in art therapy). I know my creative urges are being really satisfied with the museum work, and that is making me more productive in other ways and places.

Riding has also been a kind of work, too, in that I am learning this horse, and how to make him go the way he needs to for the job he has. Right now, that's 'school horse and lower-level event horse'. Every time I go out to the barn to ride, something else happens that makes the path I am on with this guy unfold a little bit more in front of me. Today we had some small breakthroughs in dressage, and I could feel myself getting more secure in the saddle. The canter transitions weren't fabulous, but the canter, once we got it, was smooth and beautiful and we made perfect 20-meter circles in the ring. The connection from my hands to his mouth and back, and my seat and legs to his legs and back was solid. There's nothing like riding like that.

 He halted perfectly square at least twice, and at least once, I was able to correct a not-square halt TO square with tiny rein movements. I gave him lots of grooming time before our ride, brushing his thick mane out all shiny and smooth, talking to him, brushing him with the least-annoying body brush I could find. And he loves it when I talk to him. He's such a sensitive guy, but I swear, I *swear* he put his head down for me to put on his bridle. Awesome.

I wish I could have stayed longer at the barn. It was chilly, but I loved listening to the sound of the rain on the metal roof, and the horses in their stalls, munching hay. I need to clean tack and get things organized, and honestly, I miss the daily barn chores.

I guess I'd better get working on the tour I am doing on Thursday, and start making my packing and equipment lists for the horse trials. I think it's going to be great.

Winter Wonderland!

Waiting for the snow
4:00 p.m.
Richmond, VA

It was a busy day today. I had a tour at the museum -- 3rd grade, Ancient Greece and Rome, my favorite -- and then a TON of day-job work to do. Which I spent all afternoon and evening doing. Thankfully, my efforts were not wasted, I got a lot done.

My desk at the kitchen island. Hot tea in my Uffington horse mug, my trusty laptop, and a ton of paper.












FINALLY, it snowed. We've had some seriously crummy winters around here for the last couple of years, but tonight, it snowed! I'm actually hoping for a snow day tomorrow for the kids because we've had so few in the last few years. As of around 7pm, this is what we had on the deck....a dusting, and a beagle butt.

 My middle daughter apparently has an internal furnace. The kids could hardly contain themselves when it switched over from rain to snow, and, already in the requisite inside-out jammies, they put on coats and snow boots and headed out to play.....at eight o'clock at night.

Noah is all about throwing a snowball or two.


There's more on the ground now, but I have a feeling this crappy southern area we live in means there will be rain again shortly. I hope the temps drop and it all freezes, so we can have a snow day. I love snow, love love love it, and we never get enough. I'm ready for an unexpected day off.

Not that I actually get a day off.

*Edited to add: Our school district has called off school for tomorrow!! SNOW DAY!


I foresee a lot of wet-snow playing in the morning. Guess I'd better get the hot chocolate stuff ready. And the boots, gloves, and snow pants, if I can find some that fit these kids.

I love winter!