Brittle

Some days when I run, I feel almost invincible. Strong, athletic, powerful. Other days, no matter what I do, all I feel is brittle. Like every step is painful, risks shattering the whole of me into tiny pieces on the road.

Today I was brittle. Like the ice hiding in creases in the ground, along the ditches and in the birdbaths and dog bowls. Sure, the temperature was just below freezing, but the sun was out, and there wasn't as much wind as yesterday, and I needed to get some air for sure. I thought about just going for a walk, but why walk when you can burn more calories and "work out" with a run?

A walk would have likely been more pleasant, and more conducive to a clearing of the mind, but I know I would have felt guilty for walking when I could have run. Isn't it terrible, the things the mind does? Can't take it easy, that's not the way you should do things if you want to excel.

I don't like doing this to myself, the guilt for not measuring up, or for wanting to relax and slow down, or for choosing what feels the most right at the time, even though it isn't what I "should" do. Discipline is a hard mistress sometimes, and acceptance a virtue I don't often keep about myself. But I need to, and I will take a few quiet moments now and realign my attitude and take a deep breath and move on. Some days, you do what you can do, and that's it. And that's today. I am grateful I could even get out there, and proud of myself for doing it, cold as it is.

But I am hoping it's the cold weather that makes getting off a piece of furniture an exercise in stiff unfolding of body parts, and a feeling like I need all my moving parts oiled.

Leap

It's not really a secret that I want to do something else. Or something more. 

I have wanted it for a long time. The problem I have is I don't know exactly what I want to do. I know what I like to do, I certainly know what I love to do, and I know what I am good at,  but figuring out how to make that into work -- gainful employment -- is baffling me.

I've considered additional schooling for a long, long time. A doctoral degree in health care, a master's degree in some other related field, bachelor's or master's degrees in completely new fields...I haven't been able to decide. Part of what stops me is a set of practical matters: I have three kids, a full, rich life, and my husband is already in school. And I work a day job. Also, the money. And the potential lack of a paying job afterward.

But the other part that stops me is the feeling that I cannot decide, there are too many interesting things to study and become. My life, no matter how long it is, is too short.

Regardless of the length of my life and the vast number of fascinating things to study and become, I have a feeling making a change is going to require some kind of leap, and leaping is not something I am good at, generally speaking. I mean, the kind of leaping required to cast off, even partially, the 'old' and head into the 'new'. It's at these times that I wonder if I am about to make an error that will have me bound to it for years and years, effectively screwing up the future for myself and/ or my family.

I try not to be so fatalistic all the time, really, I do. 

But I guess the time has come to at least make a start, explore, devote some energy to adding in those things that might end up becoming something more down the line. If I don't ever DO the things I love, then nothing will ever come of those things. Also, this:

Right?

On the subject of women's clothing

This post is not about a big update on my family and the life of the Brandels. Nope. Sorry. Come back later for that.

No, today's post is about Clothing for Middle-Aged Women. Specifically, jeans.

Ok, so, low-rise jeans manufacturers: Stop it. Just stop.My pants feel like they are falling down all the time and dragging my underwear with them. And I expect pockets deep enough to *actually put my hands in* (shocking, I know). And I don't wear jeans with heels on a daily basis, so stop telling me these are "short" sized jeans, because then I will buy them thinking they will not drag on the floor like they currently are. Also? Back pockets halfway down your thighs are not flattering.

See, once the weather starts getting cooler, I live in my jeans. I wear them pretty much every single day. I wear them to the store, to stuff at the kids' schools, to work at the office (because I can), and absolutely I wear them to do barn chores, work in the yard, go play in the woods, and all kinds of outdoor-related activities. I usually have at least one "dress" pair, that aren't for play, and get worn with decent shoes and a top to go out someplace casual, but nicer. I haven't set foot in a nightclub in years and years.

I don't understand two things (well, more than two, but for the purposes of this discussion....).
Those things are:

1. WTH is up with the low rise? I mean, a three-inch zipper fly? Why even bother with a zipper?
2. WHY do people assume all older women (all who are past, say, late thirties) want to look like teenagers? Do we? I sure as hell don't. I haven't been shaped like a teenager since I was one.

I mean, really, what the hell do you jeans manufacturers think I DO with jeans on? Go to a nightclub? Go shopping for expensive clothes? Sit around and look pretty all day? *snort*

I need my jeans to handle the demands of my life, and by the way, I'd like them to be made out of real denim, please. The heavyweight kind that doesn't wear out in the crotch inside of a year of near-daily wear. Yeah, that kind. I know jeans used to be made out of that fabric, I still have a couple pairs from that time. MEN'S jeans are made out of that fabric, for Pete's sake! I know it's a heavy fabric, but these pansy jeans I have on right now won't last through the winter. I have never worn out the crotch of my jeans before a few years ago. It used to be that I would wear out the fabric below the back pockets first, from sitting on horses, and fences, and on the ground. I could make jeans last for a couple of years because the fabric was heavy, the construction was at least decent, and the style was pretty basic, but flattering. I wouldn't have to wear a belt, because the jeans would hit me right above the hipbone, so my fairly-generous hips would keep my pants from falling down, but the waistband would not touch my bra.

That seems to be the only option lately: a waistband so low, you risk mooning everyone with every step, or a waistband that actually touches the band of your bra when you sit down. I think the latter are termed "mom jeans", but those are no good either.

Now, I'm relegated to wearing jeans that do not fit or flatter me in any real sense. Right now, as I type this, my entire lower back up to the literal crack of my ass is exposed as I sit up straight in my desk chair. I could pack a sandwich in the space between my skin and the inside of the jeans back there -- a hallmark of poor fit. The back pockets are under my butt, not on the back of it (of course not, there's no place to put them at the moment!). And I can't even fit my phone into the front pocket!

Seriously, people. This has got to stop. I do not want to look like my 15 year old daughter, beautiful as she is, nor do I want to be mistaken for a teenager, flattering as that may seem to be (it's not). I want jeans to wear for work (not in the office) and play, and I want them to be constructed of quality fabric, with a fit that actually FITS. I don't think copying the fashion trends of the much-younger is the way to go for someone who has given birth three times, has spent a lifetime being active, and who doesn't shy away from hard, outdoor work. I want to be comfortable, not look like I'm wearing a denim sack, and not be a slave to trends.

Why is that so hard?

Sigh. Time to get on with my day. Pardon me, while I go hike up my pants again, lest you see my boring cotton mom underwear.

in the middle

I'm feeling very middle-aged lately. My left knee is hurting for some unknown (probably arthritic) reason, and when I go for my usual runs, the toes on both feet, but mostly my left foot, go inexplicably numb. If I don't run, then my feet and legs hurt every morning when I get out of bed, stiff, and crackly.

The battle with my metabolism goes on and on, and I fight my genetics, my love for food, and my occasional periods of total physical inertia. Contrary to popular belief, I don't *like* to run, and I enjoy lounging on the couch with a good book or television as much as I enjoy being active. I run, as I've said before, so I can eat. Biggest cheap exercise bang for the buck, so I feel slightly panicked when I can't run, or fall out of the habit for periods of time.

Horse riding IS exercise, but it doesn't work the same as running. And no, I don't just sit there.

My stamina and strength seem to rise and fall, dependent upon factors that were non-issues even ten years ago -- how much sleep have I gotten, how hard did I work yesterday, what did I eat, did I drink too much last night?

The kids are fabulous, but also demanding. My name is called constantly, there is bickering and attitude and fighting a good portion of the time. It's always so LOUD. Homework needs to be done, grades need to be monitored, and chores are ever-present and necessary, but the adults have to follow behind all the time to make sure things get done. Sometimes It's just easier to do it yourself. The house is a wreck. I want to decorate, to put up curtains and have nice furniture and accessories, but I can't seem to make that happen. Toys and kid stuff are still everywhere. I'm in a constant state of being thisclose to antiques and nice things without the fear of destruction.

Life is easier and more difficult: five schedules, five sets of activities, three school situations, several separate nervous systems all wired in individual manners with separate functionality, but also the ability for some independence and autonomy, for real family fun, and for mobility with fewer encumbrances (no stroller, diaper bag, and other assorted paraphernalia).

There's SO much raw creativity and creative energy pouring out of everyone in the house. It's like living in an artist's colony.

We hang together like a circus with multiple acts, taking turns, but also all going simultaneously. This is how we are, how we are wired, and on the grey days, it's all chaos and cacophony, but on the glorious days, oh!, we LIVE so powerfully and with so much joy!

I worry about getting lost, myself, in the thick forest of my own life. About there not being enough life left to do all the things I really want to try. I feel desperate, sometimes, that time is passing and I am not making the most of all the opportunities that are presented to me, every moment of every day -- to be with my kids, to create, to play and experience, to teach. Am I doing enough? Am I letting them do enough? It's not always possible to tell, while things are still unfolding before you.

And some days, it's hard to remember that I am no longer the targeted demographic for things that don't involve cleaning products or furniture or domestic engineering. I am learning to sink into my roles, to live them as I am and not as I am told to live them.

I care so much less what other people think of who I am, or what I look like, what I wear, eat, create, think, and do.

This is the gift of middle age: the ability to finally reach the top of the hill you've been climbing for decades. About the time you think there are no more destinations, no more goals to reach for or options to choose from, you move past the treeline, and you get a clearer view to the possibilities that you didn't even know were still out there. Now, you can see where you're traveling to, or pick a new destination, because they are all laid out like an endless carpet of prospects. Sometimes the fog rolls in, and the view is obscured, but that never lasts, and if you're patient, the scene becomes visible once more.

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that.

Random Monday Musings

The dogs' water dish on the deck this morning.
I'm glad it's not a 50 gallon livestock tank.

I don't know if it's just the point in the winter where I am tired of the same old routine, or if there is something to this funk, but I feel a little like a hamster on the wheel, endlessly turning and going nowhere. Everything feels stagnant and unproductive, a constant effort of management, rearranging, scheduling with no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is not the cold weather, because I do like the cold, and there have been quite a few days of brilliant sunshine and clear, impossibly blue skies. There's plenty to look forward to, but managing the myriad details of life feels like too much of a task to even contemplate sometimes. Restlessness is definitely a component.

And so, in that vein, some random (and some not-so-random) thoughts:

• Valentine's Day was a fun, low-key holiday. Candy for the kids, heart-shaped pepperoni in the baked pasta dinner, brownies for dessert. Flowers from the best husband ever. 

• My dad has been visiting, and since he has sold his house in Miami, his living room furniture is now mine. Yay for couches that do not hold pet hair! He also brought some things I forgot he    had, like this 50's vintage milkshake mixer we used to use when I was a kid (and it was 30 years old even then!). I love how the stainless steel mixing cup can fit on the mixer and stay there:

• I have been working on the Paper Horse (but now Fabric Horse) Project a little bit. The idea is firmly in my head, but the execution has not happened the way I want it to, yet. This is muslin, gesso, acrylics, and cotton quilt batting. I'm not in love with how heavy the legs are, but this is a pony, so I can stand a little extra heft in a pony. I guess. 

• I really wish I was a better painter.
• I get to go to a party Tuesday night for staff and volunteers at the museum to celebrate the Chihuly exhibition (it broke attendance records)! 
• The season finale of 'Downton Abbey' sucked and I hated it. I might not be watching it when the next season rolls around. 
• Winter light is very blue. And very difficult to mitigate in photo editing.
• I'm back to thinking I am going to do that horse trials in March. Yikes.
• It's been two weeks since my last run. I'm bored with running, I think. Not sure what else I would do, though, and I'm too old and too arthritic to skip exercising altogether, otherwise I'll be fat and in pain all the time.
• Motivation is lacking, however.
• I think I'm just bored with a lot of stuff. Not sure what to do with myself.

Kids are home from school for Presidents' Day. They are playing the Wii, and I am going to try to do some work. I think movies, making some homemade soft pretzels, and maybe a trip out to go ice skating might be in the works. 

What to do with a rainy Tuesday....

...take out your umbrellas...

...maybe swing in the hammock...

...dig in the dirt...

...relax and enjoy it...and read about gardening...and promise yourself you'll be a more diligent gardener this year...but mostly, relax...

(oh, and maybe do some laundry)

Random

Randomness from my brain, because it's cold (yay!), because it's Tuesday (and election day -- go vote!), and because I can't think of anything much to write.

This song has been playing in my head for days. I love it's simplicity and sweetness. Of course, I'm a huge fan of Train in general, and Pat Monahan's voice specifically.

Forever can never be long enough for me
to feel like I've had long enough with you

**************

**I've had, recently, several really wonderful conversations with my husband about different things. Sometimes I feel like we are on distant planets. Sometimes I miss him terribly, even though we are together most of the time. Daily life can really dampen the connection shared by two people who deeply love each other. I have been occasionally envious of some of our friends who have no children, because it appears they have so much more time to spend with each other, taking care of each other and their relationship. We don't have that much time. But my childless friends don't know the breadth and depth of love and joy that we do, so I guess it's a good trade off. I know some of them will (and very well MAY) argue this point with me, and they can try, but I hold firm in my belief.

**This morning I entered a contest on the Pioneer Woman's blog to win a trip to Oklahoma for a weekend of holiday baking and hanging out on her and her husband's ranch. Not only would that be awesome, because I love her writing and her cooking, but it would be beyond wonderful to have a little adventure with Travis. I've never been to Oklahoma, and neither has he.

**The Christmas season is almost upon us. Must commence Santa shopping, and make a list of baking that needs to be done. I am planning to have several batches of cookie dough all prepped and frozen by Thanksgiving, so when the time to bake comes, I can do it quickly, production-line style. I think I want to send cookies to my dad and grandma, and maybe someone (or two) else.

**I can't believe 2010 is almost over.

**Maybe Santa will bring me the metalsmithing and glass tools I would like this year.

**These Halloween decorations have to come down today.

**I really want another cup of coffee. Actually, I want Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice latte, but I've already eaten a mini Almond Joy and two and a half toaster waffles. I think that's probably more than enough junk. Sigh.

**Curried Pumpkin-Butternut Squash soup is YUM. I'll be having the leftovers for lunch today.

**Must figure out some method of not freezing to death on my morning walks. It's getting really cold in the dark mornings, and my yoga pants are NOT cutting it.

**I am letting the kids each fill a small cereal bowl with candy from their Halloween haul as a daily ration. They have been gleefully consuming the day's ration before 10:00a.m. It's made for some interesting times here, but I am also secretly throwing away a handful every day, and putting the chocolate in the freezer. Seems to work. They don't bug me All. Day. Long. for candy.

**Guess I should round up the kids and go vote. Wish there was someone really worth voting for.