Finding the Holy Grail

Yesterday, I drove out to the Calais Horse Trials, a local schooling event held at Level Green Riding School in order to watch two of my Pony Club members ride in the Introductory Novice division. This is the event I did last year, on Champ. I had the opportunity to ride it again, but due to Life Circumstances, opted not to. Instead, one of the Pony Club girls rode Champ this year. She has been doing a much better job with him than I was, so I was interested to see how he'd do in the same situation.

It was raining. The trailer parking field was a squishy mess, and getting into the farm, I kicked myself for not just parking the car out on the road and hoofing it (ha!) into the event, but I knew there would be tractors available in case I was stuck.

I missed the dressage tests, having spent too much time shopping online for the Horse I Cannot Find, but arrived in time to snap some pictures of them getting ready for stadium and cross-country.

I also spent some time watching the dressage tests done by other competitors, because it's a good exercise for my eye to see the differences between people who practice dressage training principles when riding on the flat, and those who ride hunters most of the time. Because of my love for dressage (and so many day-of scratches that the event no longer ran on the time schedule), I caught the tail end of the kids' stadium rounds, finding that Champ and his rider came through with possibly some time faults and one refusal. The other horse and rider combination was eliminated in their first event in stadium due to refusals. Unfortunately, even though it was a schooling event, they did not get to continue on the cross-country.

Watching Champ and his rider get through the cross country phase was exciting, and they came home with a minimum of faults on course to finish the event without the dreaded 'Big E', unlike myself last year. So very happy for them! I don't know what their end placing was yet, because I had to leave before they tallied the scores -- I was completely soaked through, and concerned the additional two hours of rain would make it even harder to get my car off the site.

But all I could think, while I was there, was just how much I wish I had been riding. Oh, I probably could have done it, on the big Belgian/TB I've been riding, but I really do not enjoy half-assing my way through the practice only to try to pull a good performance out of thin air. Too nerve-wracking. I just did not have enough time in the preceding months to put in the focused practice I feel is necessary. Still. Still.....

The conditions were horrible, and the footing was greasy and crummy even in the (grass) dressage rings, so I can't imagine what the (grass) stadium ring was like, not to mention the footing out on the XC course. I watched people go, and I thought, "I can totally do this", and I sort of kicked myself for getting nervous last year and screwing it all up. No, I didn't beat myself up too much -- I did place in dressage last year -- but this year, I just thought that had I the horse, I could have handled it. Familiarity with the course and site? Probably that's a portion of it -- the XC course for the Intro division was pretty much exactly the same as last year. Improvement in my riding? Nah. I haven't improved much, if at all, in the last year, really. I'm going to be doing something about that this year, though. I'm not sure what it was, except a feeling that getting through the three phases seemed like less of an insurmountable obstacle this time, even from the rain-soaked ground.

I hope against hope that the Year of the Horse will reveal one for me (...still...again....I know, how many times do I have to say it?). I'm saving my pennies, and trying to do everything I know how to get myself in whatever serendipitous position I need to be in to make this happen. I'm not sure how totally on board Travis is with my idea, but he loves me, and I think he knows just how deep this particular fire burns, and for how long it's been banked. The practical side of me says I have to wait til we have our own farm so boarding a horse isn't necessary, but the little-girl part says it's not fair that Wren gets a pony and I don't. And part of me feels like I'm forever racing the clock, running out of time to do the things I want to do before I get too old, too broken, to physically incapable to handle the demands of the sport. Never mind the assumption that I have upwards of 40 years of life left, and that there are plenty of seventy year old people out there still riding and jumping and handling horses, a level of anxiety always says "But what if I don't?"

Hopefully, I do. It's raining again this morning, and while my riding is uncertain, I can take responsibility for some things, and so I will go out and get back on the running routine. It keeps my arthritis at bay, and makes me feel like I am doing something on this journey.

My particular Holy Grail is still waiting.

(photo courtesy of Kevin Maxson)

Perception

"Right now, there is so much possibility and so much potential swirling around, it's almost painful. I love this, and hate it, too, because it could all lead to everything I want, or nothing. Walking that thin line between patience and persistence takes skill and an educated eye. The beginning of this new month, at the near start of spring, feels like a swiftly-shifting whirlwind, bringing me closer and closer to what I'm looking for. On the other hand, I know from experience (that "educated eye") that power is working in the background, and pushing my luck here, getting cocky, getting my hands in before it's time, may leave me with an unsatisfying result. I need to stand back a bit, and let the scene unfold before me. I've seen glimpses of what can be, and I like it. Now, to wait, and wait, and keep a watchful eye. Patience is key."

I wrote that around March 1st, and at the time, it was truly the way I felt. But another snowstorm, continued cold and grey weather, general crumminess, and a feeling like the road has suddenly got very, very long has contributed to feeling a little less so. Still, patience is key. I wish I had more of it.

Travis had shoulder surgery this past Wednesday, and we were prepared for a significant reconstruction and a long, difficult recovery. Thankfully, we got much less than that, and compared to his previous six knee surgeries, he's doing remarkably well. I'm amazed by how easily he has adapted, even though now I am overly worried he will over-do things and hurt himself again.

I also had typed out a long post about cost comparisons between having horses and doing other expensive hobbies, but I got so far into the data, it was becoming pedantic. Suffice it to say, there are people in this world who honestly believe that someone who owns one or more horses is obviously very wealthy. My observation is that I have spent ten years in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism), and I have never heard of anyone checking out someone's new Pennsic-size Panther tent, or their elaborate silk and linen and wool Twelfth Night (or Coronation, or Investiture...) clothing, or their new custom helmet or armor bits and saying, "Wow, they must be really loaded". A new tent costs as much as a horse, a full set of basic, decent armor is equivalent to a saddle, totally spiff clothing equals various horse things (blankets, bridles, other small bits of equipment -- one of my linen cotes = $65 = the recent cost of a new winter blanket for the pony)....and a weekend event with camping and feast can equal a local schooling show or small horse trials. The reality is, if you are spending a year being fairly active in the SCA to include at least five overnight trips, a War event, and keeping up your fighting/clothing/camp equipment kits, then you are spending about as much as a 'regular' person with a horse or two who doesn't go to rated horse shows, takes a lesson every other week, and buys secondhand tack and equipment as much as possible.

It's just about what you choose to spend money on to enjoy your life. I tend toward the "expensive" hobbies, of which the SCA is one....I'm still a glassworker with an expensive kiln and torch, and I do have a significant fabric addiction (and three sewing machines). Travis is getting into digital photography, with all the cameras, lenses, and computer programs it comes with. We don't play in the SCA that much anymore, and we have definite life goals to move out to a rural area to keep our horses and other animals at home. Nobody's won the lottery, we just save, and choose the less-expensive options as much as possible. I know plenty of other people who do the same, or similar. Just wanted to dispel that particular myth, not only for us, but for the other 'regular' horse-owning people out there.

Now, if we WERE to win the lottery,a big one, all bets are off. A big farm, a new truck and trailer, the perfect horse for me, instead of a 'project', all of it. I already have the plan all figured out! Just need the cash!

Official

This past weekend, we officially became horse owners.

Thanks to the generosity and expertise of a friend, Wren and I took a weekend trip to South Carolina in search of her first pony. We have been leasing Gabby, a grey Welsh pony, for Wren for the past year, but the relationship has not been working out well. Wren's riding skills have been regressing and she fought some serious anxiety about riding after suffering several falls over the course of the last year. Honestly, I'm surprised she still even wants to ride at all, really, but her love for the equine species transcends the numerous falls off off the way-too-speedy Gabby, and the way-too-tall Champ.

I was tired of my own stress each riding lesson day, and I hated to see my kid in tears of fear and frustration.

My friend, an accomplished horsewoman and a lover of ponies for little kids, spotted a "diamond in the rough" pony on a Facebook pony sales forum. A few weeks of back and forth communication with the owner, some pictures and video, and the opinion of my friend's mom, and we decided to make the trip down there to see if this really was the pony we had hoped for for Wren.

Turns out, the little thing was pretty darn perfect after all. Fuzzy, in need of nutrition and a good farrier, but sound, healthy, and pretty agreeable to riding.

We loaded her up and made our way on the loooong route back home on Sunday, where we made her comfortable in a stall for the night with plenty of hay and water.

Travis and I visited her Monday, and got her acquainted with her surroundings in the daylight, and I took the kids back to the barn to groom and play and ride her a little bit. It went well, and they had a lot of fun. I think Cinnamon will be a great pony for Wren,and for Noah, too, who has now decided he needs to ride the pony as well.

I'll have the vet out to do shots in a week or so, and the farrier is coming next week. Then I will start the hunt for teeny, tiny, pony-sized tack, and teach this pony to work the way we ride, and it should all be good.

I always thought the first equine to join this family would be a horse for me. I may have to wait a little longer for my own horse now, but being a pony mom is pretty cool.

Goals

I try not to do too much with New Year goal-setting. One, because I have enough to do without putting unrealistic expectations on myself (and most of my expectations for myself can probably be considered unrealistic), and two, because there's always so much I want to do that the beginning of the year always feels like I'm standing at the world's biggest buffet line. SO much to see and try and do! It can get overwhelming.

But there are some things, here at the beginning of the Year of the Horse, that I would like to tackle before the champagne flows on December 31.

I'd like to improve my horsemanship skills. There are things about caring for and owning horses that I just don't know enough about. On my list for 2014:

• I'd like to learn how to wrap and bandage legs. I've never used a polo wrap, ever. And I'd like to know which kind of bandaging/wrapping/boots are appropriate and when.
• Equine first aid....what are the over-the-counter treatments that I need to know how to do, and when? When is ichthammol used, or Betadine scrub, or nitrofurazone? I want to better recognize common conditions, too, like thrush, scratches, rain rot, and other ailments. And I'd like to have a handle on when to call the vet, and when something is a real crisis versus when not to panic.
• Oh, yeah, and I want to learn to take a horse's vital signs, and know the parameters of normal.
• And I want to get out into the local horse community more and meet fellow adult amateur riders. So my goal here is to attend lectures, audit clinics and lessons, and join either the Virginia Dressage Association or the Central Virginia Dressage and Combined Training Association.

I think that's a pretty decent amount of stuff to learn this year. I don't think I really have any riding goals, except to keep riding at least once a week. I can't really commit to competitions this year, I feel a little too busy to devote that amount of mental focus and preparation to competition right now. It's one thing to take a lesson and work on skills and try to improve with each ride, but it's another issue to work toward being prepared for something specific, like a course of 12 stadium jumps at speed, or galloping a cross-country course, or a dressage test.

Actually,I'm kind of hoping the planets align and Wren and I both own our own mounts by the end of this year. I just turned in an application to adopt a Thoroughbred from Re-Run Thoroughbred Adoption in Suffolk, VA. Honestly, I'm excited and a little freaked out. I won't be able to trial-ride any horse that I adopt from a Thoroughbred rescue (because of insurance limitations), so that feels a little nerve-wracking, but I will choose a horse with recommendations from knowledgeable people I know, so it shouldn't be really bad. The prospect of having my own horse to do things with and to be a partner with is thrilling, and something I have wanted for a long, long time. It's slightly terrifying, but I have high hopes.

My horsemanship, my riding, my attitude and my nerve, will all just have to rise to the occasion.

Also I may have to revive A Hot Piece of Glass or something, so that I can generate some "horse care" money. Board, farrier, and vet bills all add up quick.

Still.....very exciting.....

Contrast

It was an absolutely glorious day today. Sixty-eight sunny,warm, degrees, and I got to spend the morning on a horse.

I think the weather today was our gift for tolerating the weeks of freezing cold, snow, and general crap we've been having. Or maybe Mother Nature finally got her Zoloft, or something. Either way, it was wonderful, and I feel refreshed and ready to take on the six more weeks of winter that Punxatawney Phil has declared will now happen.

I wasn't feeling well this morning, and it's never fun to ride with a stomach ache, but once I got to the barn, and basked in the sun, I was better. The sky was a brilliant blue, the breeze was warm, and the horses were ready to go, which is always welcome. I even got to wear my new-to-me full leather seat riding tights! They are SO comfy, and I was excited that they actually fit over my ample backside. Bonus! I've discovered that everything fun, or awesome, or comfortable is usually for the skinnier riders, so finding these was a Big Deal.

But I digress.... I knocked about a ton of dirt off of Beau the Belgian, and picked several sticks out of his tail, tacked him up, and we were off. Man, those tights were fantastic to ride in! I sat his trot like I was glued to him!

And we jumped.Not big, and not a lot, but it was smooth, and effortless, and I felt so confident. Picked up the canter and did a sweet five-fence course..."hands up, eyes up, sit and wait, wait wait...look, turn, sit, wait, wait, wait...count the strides and steer..." Even though I didn't get that last broken line from four to five, I still felt really good about it. I haven't jumped in weeks!

I could have easily spent ALL day in the saddle.

The rest of the day was good, too. Wren had her lesson on Gabby while I cleaned tack and slathered my saddle with conditioner. I also took some photos of the barn and pastures to send with my application for the Thoroughbred adoption group. Who knows? This may yet be MY year of the horse.

Today was a distinct contrast to recent days, that's for sure. I'm not *quite*ready for spring yet, but at least now I know it's really coming.

Now.

Snow day. Starting with teleworking for Travis and myself. And coffee, of course.

 The kids are already absorbed in various Minecraft-related endeavors on the iPads. I swear,sometimes I think we should skip over buying them their own handheld gaming systems and go straight to iPads for both of them. It's a thought. An expensive thought, but a decent one, nonetheless.

No snowfall in Virginia escapes my morning-after snow photography. It's been a long time since I had proper snow boots. Maybe fifteen years or so. I think it might be time to invest in a pair of good, insulated snow boots, like the L.L. Bean boots I wore in college. My rain boots do not cut it when the temps are low.

It's really cold, maybe 15* at the most, which for this part of the south, is pretty chilly. It's four inches of "sweeping snow", the kind you can get off the cars with a broom. For those of us who are transplants from harsher winter climates, it's not that big a deal, but around here, it's cause for school closure, stay-off-the-roads warnings, and the opportunity for teleworking.

It will likely all be melted, or rained, away by the weekend, but it's nice while it lasts, and makes me feel like I have at least a little bit of winter each year.

I love the way our house looks in the winter with a coat of snow.

Even the backyard, fairly utilitarian-looking in the winter, is pretty with a frosting of snow. The dogs love it,but the kids, astonishingly, have not been outside yet.

But I have been outside already; the sunshine is bright, but cold, and everything sparkles.

Numbers

ONE - the number of scheduled days off of school last week, due to a holiday.

TWO - the number of inches of snow we got last Tuesday evening/overnight.

THREE - the number of appeals on my desk at the moment. That will change soon.

FOUR - the age of this really really 'OMG-I-want-him' cute OTTB (Off the Track ThoroughBred) gelding I found on a rescue site in Suffolk,VA.

FIVE - the number of school days missed last week due to a combination of Federal holiday/snow anticipation/actual snowfall.

SIX - the number of days since my last run (again).

EIGHT THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO - ideas I have had for art-making.

ZERO - the number of ideas I have actually done something with in the last few weeks.

A MILLION - the number of horse-for-sale ads I have looked at and found nothing for me.


I'm having a hard time enjoying things. Maybe it's the seasonal blahs, although I love winter, or maybe it's because of a seemingly-constant stream of chaos, conflict, and conundrum since, oh, October. I feel like every time I get the psychic desk cleared off, there's just more piling up in the inbox. Good grief, does it ever end? Is this what 'your forties' is all about? The constant managing of crap you wish you didn't have to deal with, while you tell yourself over and over that you have to "put your big girl pants on" and "get it together, someone out there has it worse than you", or "you'll look back on this and laugh", or my personal favorite, "you should be grateful/happy/whatever that this is all you have to deal with". I want to punch those helpful advice-givers right in the nose. Screw you, it doesn't matter what anyone else has to deal with. Making those kind of comparisons is something I have been trying to stop myself from doing for years. Oh, and since the kids just had an unexpected week off because of (what really is a teeny amount of) snow? The ever-helpful Perspective Offerer: "I know people who have lost their kid who would be thrilled to have this time to spend with their children. You should not complain!" Shut it. You have no idea what my life is like, or how much I love my children, just like I have no idea what it's like to lose a child. And I hope I never do.

I struggle to want to run, to want to make stuff, to ride, to do anything besides waste time on the internet. Heck, I don't really want to do that. Granted, it's been insanely cold the last few weeks, and that is enough to cause anyone except the most die-hard winter people to want to snuggle up on the couch. I know it will get better, but it seems like each hurdle successfully leapt just gains me yet another one to jump.

I guess I'll just keep jumping. Otherwise, I'll bang my shins and fall on my face.