Life

Re-Entry

I am having a hard time re-adjusting after my nearly-weeklong trip to New York last week. Maybe it's because I was gone for a funeral, and that in itself brings up a whole lot of emotion and drama that I am still processing. Maybe it's because I feel so deeply entrenched in my family life here at home that being out of it for a week unbalances my world in a way that is pervasive. I don't know.

The kids were pretty good while I was gone, according to my saint of a husband. Since I've been back, they've been a bit clingy and demanding and generally high-energy. That's be expected, but what I crave is some silence and space and time. Being the mom of three in this busy household, those are all hot commodities in short supply! I know this, and so I make do with the available time and space I have. Not a whole lot of silence in this house, though.

The older I get, the more I realize how much I am affected by my past, by memories and decisions and things that were out of my control. Sounds basic, right? Sure. But it goes a long way toward self-knowledge when you can actually recognize what happens to you in a meta- sort of way.

I'm still processing the funeral and the time with my extended family. In a lot of ways, I don't feel as though I truly grieved for my uncle at his funeral, during the designated time and in the designated place for it, mostly because I felt I wanted to serve my mom, who struggled with the loss of her big brother. In some other ways, I am not only grieving a family member, but grieving the loss of extended family, the loss of a life growing up without my cousins around, the huge effect my family's move to the other side of the country had on me, and how completely at-home I feel when I am in Rochester.

I feel angry and sad and disappointed and confused, and I feel a longing for my past and for my family that I never knew I had. I feel trapped inside myself, with negative energy spilling out at my seams. I hope there is time for a long walk this evening. I am violently emotional.

Home, and Back Again

My uncle, who suffered with cancer for the past five and a half years, finally succumbed to the disease last Sunday morning. He was my mom's brother, and he lived in Rochester, New York, which is my hometown. On Tuesday, my mom and I drove up to Rochester (about an 8 hour drive from here) so we could be at his funeral. Mom and I do fairly well on road trips together, although there were a few moments over the week where, between her and her sister, I was going to leave them both on the side of the road for backseat-driving!

The visiting hours and funeral mass were terribly hard. It was like sailing directly into a storm, knowing how turbulent and terrifying the waters would be. Much crying. Much reminiscing and talking. My cousins have all grown up (of course they did, they are all around my age). It was good to see them and their families, and I definitely wish I had more personal history with them over the years.

I love going home to Rochester. Miami, Florida, where I unquestionably spent formative years, will never ever be home to me. I lived there, yes, but HOME is where I am from, and that is in upstate New York. Even though it has been years since I lived in or near there, it still feels like home. My mom grew up there, and while we had some free time this week, we drove around the area where she lived and went to school and had her first jobs. It was fantastic.

I thought about what it would be like to move back there, with my family now, where the snowfall is measured in feet during the winter, and spring doesn't come til April or May. I thought about what it would have been like to live there all my life, and not have spent the last nine years of my childhood in Miami. Granted, I had opportunities there that I likely would not have had in NY, but the trade-off was that I lost so many things that matter so much NOW.

Both of my parents grew up in Rochester, so both sides of my extended family are there, mostly. Of my mom's immediate family, my uncle John and aunt Pam had four children: Ron, Craig, Brian and Kim. Mom's sister had three children: Anita Jean, John, and Steven. They lived in Pennsylvania, but came often to NY. On my dad's side, his sister had a son, Frank, and his brother had two girls, Emily and Megan. So in total, that is ten first cousins in my family, seven of whom lived in Rochester. They range in age from 26 to 46, and I have memories of all of them as kids and teens.

As a 41 year old adult, I feel incredibly cheated out of being able to grow up with my first cousins. I realized recently that I am angry we had to move to Florida. I was angry as a nine year old going away from home and friends and family to live in pretty much a foreign country, and while over the last 30 years, it really hasn't mattered that much, I realize now that I am supremely angry. I don't understand, and I never will, why in the world my dad had to decide that living in Florida, so freaking far away, was so much better than being surrounded by family.

As an adult, I get the lack of money and opportunity. I understand about taxes, and politics and seeking new horizons. But I feel shattered by the loss of all that time with people who are close branches on my family tree, people I loved as a child and who I got along with and hoped to grow up with. I know, I could have done more myself to keep up with all of them, to stay close, to go back and visit. But we really rarely ever went back to Rochester, not unless someone died or got married or whatever. We never went there to vacation, or to visit people. I can count on one hand the number of times we were in Rochester during the period of 1979 through my high school graduation in 1988 -- four. A funeral, a wedding, a stay at my grandma's one summer, and a trip to check out colleges in the spring of 1988.

THAT, I will never understand. Why we never went home to visit.

There are things that I know: that my dad hated the snow, that he vacationed in Florida as a child and loved it, that he was a bank teller in my early life and I guess that path wasn't leading where he thought it would go quickly enough. My mom was a recently-graduated registered nurse. I don't know how she felt about the snow, or Florida, or even if she had ever been there before that spring in 1979 when my parents left my brother and I at my grandparents' house in Binghamton for a week while they went down to Miami to find a house for us.

I hated the house when I saw the Polaroids my parents brought back. No stairs. Concrete block. It had a pool, and that was exotic and interesting, but I am not sure if it was enough. I remember getting down there and hating how ridiculously hot it was. My eyes burned. We had to sleep on inflatable pool floats for a while because the moving van did not arrive as it was supposed to with our furniture. I cried for my friends, who were all going to the gifted program in fourth grade. My fourth-grade teacher at my new school was scary as hell, and the classes were huge and the hallways were all outside and it was HOT as the surface of the damned sun. I was harassed by the Cuban immigrant kids who were brought to our school for whatever reason (education? To learn English?) following the Mariel Boatlift in 1980. My nine-year-old rage was probably expressed more as silence.

Eventually, I adjusted. I attended a well-respected dance studio, got into the gifted program, made some friends and life went on. When time for college came, I absolutely knew that I had to go back home. And so I did, applying to SUNY-Brockport and SUNY-Geneseo, and ultimately choosing my beloved Geneseo.

By then though, everyone had moved on -- to college, to other lives and other places. Picking up the threads of childhood relationships wasn't possible, and my 18 year old self had plenty of living and experiencing and hopefully studying to do, too. Now that I am 41, though, I see just how important it is to me to have those connections in my family, as I see my cousins close to their siblings and to each other. I wish I could have been a part of that. I wish I could have had that for myself and for my family -- the history and the depth of family relations that exists, but that I am now peripherally a part of.

Am I really, truly angry at my parents? No. Not really. They were young and they made choices they probably felt were the right ones. It can't be undone, and wishing for it to be different is unproductive. I have built a terrific life here in Virginia, specifically in Richmond, with my husband and three children, and pulling up stakes for my ridiculous nostalgia and longing would be stupid and potentially damaging. As my kids are getting older, though, I find myself looking for reasons to go back and show them where I come from. Had I not had to go back this month for the funeral, I think a Spring Break trip would have been terrific. Maybe this summer. Or next year, since we have a Disney odyssey planned for this fall.

But I want to go back. Part of me wishes I'd never left.

End of the Year

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Traveled alone overnight to a metalsmithing class. Road-tripped with a girlfriend to upstate NY to a conference. Got a pedicure. Rode a scooter on the actual streets amongst the actual traffic.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Well, I seem to recall saying something about losing a bunch of weight. That didn't happen. As for the rest, I don't remember what else I might have resolved to do.

As for 2011, I don't like to make resolutions. I prefer to make adjustments in my way of living for a better outcome. This year, I'd like to stick to my daily walks in the morning, and add in some strength training. I'd also like to better understand myself at this stage of my life, and figure out who I am and what I am about.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.
 :(

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Oh, everyone always thinks 'more money', and sure, who wouldn't want that? But really, I'd like to have more personal peace, more clarity, and more FUN!

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

1/3/10 -- the date I got my motorcycle license
4/22/10 -- the date I turned 40
9/9/10 -- our 7th anniversary of our marriage
9/24/10 -- the date of my first overnight trip alone without the kids (or my husband!)
10/15/10 -- seeing one of my closest friends from college after 20 years


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Having six pieces of my jewelry work published in five different magazines, with articles or tutorials that I wrote. Having my first wholesale jewelry client. Getting my motorcycle license. Staffing my church's preschool with all new teachers a month before school started.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Those epic loss of patience moments that come as part of parenting sometimes. I think my biggest failures always have to do with less-than-stellar parenting behaviors on my part.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully. Not beyond the usual round of sniffles/colds, and general aches and pains.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Probably my motorcycle jacket. Made riding my scooter in the cold MUCH nicer! Oh, and also admission to the Medieval Glass Conference at the Corning Museum, and tuition for a couple of jewelry and metalsmithing classes.

12. Where did most of your money go?


Groceries, kid clothes, household stuff.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Working with copper and other metals, learning metalsmithing.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Anything by Theory of A Deadman, or The Script

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier.
– thinner or fatter? oh, fatter, I'm sure
– richer or poorer? Richer in all the nonfinancial ways, for sure

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Exercise, yoga, making more art, resting -- really resting, not just sitting on my ass in front of the TV or computer.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Hating myself, thinking I was unattractive, getting frustrated or angry with the kids, sitting on my ass in front of the computer or TV

18. How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my husband and children. Our favorite way to spend the holiday.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

More than one, for sure: Supernatural, Sons of Anarchy, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Justified

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

These are books that I read this year, not necessarily ones that were published this year. While I consider myself a relative bibliophile, the limits of time and mental energy don't permit me to keep up with the publishing world too.



Totally Twisted by Kerry Bogert

Traveling With Pomegranates, Sue Monk Kidd, Ann Kidd Taylor

Pillars of The Earth, and World Without End, both by Ken Follett

I read all the time, so I am sure there were more memorable books....I just can't remember them right now...

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


Michael Franti and Spearhead, The Script, The Fray, Theory of A Deadman, Rob Thomas / Matchbox Twenty, and anything that Train does.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

How to Train Your Dragon, Harry Potter.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My husband threw me a big party with a lot of my friends and family here for a cookout and celebrating. I also spent the day of my birthday hanging out with a good friend. I was 40.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I would have spent less time being all angsty about turning 40. I'm never angsty about my age or about getting older, but this one walloped me good.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Arty-Mom Chic....hahahahaha....no.

More like jeans and knit shirt uniform in colder weather, tshirt/camisole shirt and shorts or skirt in warmer weather.

26. What kept you sane?

Sane? Who said I was sane?

No, really....making art, creating things with my hands, listening to music, walking in the early morning. Snuggling my son and daughters. Being with my husband.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.


I am still in the process of learning this one, but I think I'd have to say that I am learning to"own my story", and spend less time worrying about what other people think about me, and more time actually being ME. So far, I think I'm doing pretty good...

Snow Days and Holidays

Today, it is snowing. There were two additional days of school this week, then Christmas break, which is a full two weeks this year because of the timing of Christmas. Now it looks as though my kid-free Christmas prep time is down to whatever I can do in the evenings after they have gone to bed. Hmmm.

I am grateful and glad to have my children home with me, though, grateful that I have a job that does not require my physical presence daily, and grateful that I don't need to make any particular arrangements for my kids beyond planning the things we want to do.

Some people I know seem to always complain about having their kids home. I know I have been very guilty of this. It's easy to be annoyed by sibling rivalries, constant bickering, fighting and picking. It's hard to encourage kids to entertain themselves, and the whine of "I'm bored" is like the sound of fingernails on the chalkboard.

BUT.

Kids are only young once. Kids are only the age they are once. Someday these days will be over, and we will look back and wonder where the time has gone.


I'm particularly feeling the pull and passage of time lately, and I know that I really want to preserve as much of this time as I can. Yes, the kids get on my nerves, yes they are demanding, yes I feel like I will lose my mind if I have to referee one more fight/sharing incident/episode of boredom.

I try to head all of this off in the summers, when the kids are around ALL the time, by planning activities for each day of the week. Monday is usually for the library, Tuesday is for going to play in water, etc. I'm not saying all this is easy, or that I am some kind of Superwoman, because Lord knows I wish I could take a week off and hole up somewhere with my husband and my art projects and just be ME for a while...

BUT.

I feel sometimes it does a disservice to your children to complain about them all the time, even if they are being annoying. One of my plans for this upcoming year is to be far more present and more positive about my crazy circus of a family, and to really attend to whether or not I need to voice something negative about my kids. I adore so many things about my kids, and so often, I seem to let myself forget about them in favor of the much-easier bitching to anyone who will listen. That's terrible. Next week, all three of my kids are home for an extended period, a rare thing for our family because of my oldest's custody arrangement. I am working SO hard on letting go of expectations about myself and my own work and art and what I think should be, and just planning activities and things for us to do together that will be enjoyable and will help develop those great childhood memories I want them to have.

Because I am probably slightly OCD, I made a chart.

Knowing my desire to strike a good balance between 'scheduled' and 'fly by the seat of our pants', I am planning a hands-on activity each day, and an outing or time outside each day. I am also anticipating a full-on 'vegetate in front of the TV' day and not feeling guilty about it.

So far, we will be making several batches of Christmas cookies, visiting the Children's Museum, making snowflake ornaments with borax, and working on some super-secret gifts. I'm sure there will be at least one or two movies and popcorn, and some time to play outside, followed by hot cocoa with marshmallows.

I'm sure I will also have to deal with a bout of two of whining, some of the oldest and middle child's picking on each other, and a few instances of flat-out fighting and misbehaving. But aside from that, I am hoping to have some good times with my kids.

They are so worth having good times with, every day.

Out My Winter Window

Monday, December 13, 2010
Richmond, Virginia
7:30 a.m.

My Little Christmas Bird

Five years ago today, our little Christmas bird came into the world and our lives were never the same.

Wren Noelle Brandel, 7lbs 7oz, 7pm, 12-9-05

She is lovely and highly verbal, brilliant and crafty, creative beyond a shadow of a doubt, and fearless enough to stop your heart. She's all I could wish for in a child, and more. She challenges me in ways I don't like to admit, and days with her are a constant state of keeping-up. But her life journey will be magic in a way we can't even comprehend now.

Wren Noelle Brandel, 12-9-10

Happy Birthday, Wren!